It happens more often than not nowadays.... Its even better watching them trying to count change when you give them the correct amount!!!

...

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

Madpick's favorite.

what am I missing steve??

Needs more ass. cream.

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out... "Pa you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with it."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."
So.......Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around, and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse honey! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Payells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around, and yells back,"Ma-dadgummit there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of da hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, "Ma - Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"

Even better, hand them 20.38 and see what happens!!

And thanks for the warning!

Lil Johnny is out for a Drive in his spanking new Mercedes.
The tops down, the breeze is blowing through his hair and
he decides to open her up. As the needle jumps up thru 80 mph
Lil Johnny suddenly notices the flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thinks and opens her up.
The needle hits 90, 100 110 and doing over 135 but
the lights are still right there, behind him.
"What in heck am I doing?" he says to himself and pulls over.
The LEO slowly comes up to his passenger door ask for his license
then without a word the LEO examines it and the car.
The LEO then says to Lil Johnny, "I've had a tough shift and
this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so
if you can give me an excuse for your driving that
I haven't heard before you can go."
Well Lil Johnny thinks quick and says,
"Last week my wife ran off with an LEO and
I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

Hat tip Ace of Spades HQ:

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?” The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir, all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”

Funny, though I think it's from a 1960s issue of National Lampoon. It's been around the...barracks...a while