My first high school football game was kinda like the first time I had sex:

I was bruised and bloody... but at least my dad came.

A Woman and her boyfriend are out having drinks.
While they are sitting having a good time, she starts talking about a new drink her girlfriend told her about and that he should try it.
Her boyfriend replies that he likes to try new drinks so she ordered one for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following in front of him: 1. A salt shaker 2. A shot of Baileys and 3. A shot of Lime Juice.
The boyfriend looks at all 3 items and says how do I drink this?
She says first you put the salt on your tongue, next you drink the Baileys and hold it in your mouth and then you drink the lime juice.
So the boyfriend puts the salt on his tongue and thinks salty but OK.
Then he drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth...smooth, rich, cool, and very pleasant. So far so good he thinks. Then he reaches for the lime juice and drinks it.
Right away the sharp lime taste hits and about 2 seconds later the Baileys curdles, the 3rd second the salty curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits and by the 4th second it feels as if he has a mouthful of nasty SNOT!
This triggered is gag reflex and he's thinking he doesn't want to spit it out all over the bar, so he mans up and swallows it.
He looks up at his girlfriend and says "Jesus what do you call this drink?!"
She smiles and says in an evil voice it's a "Blow Job Revenge!"

- What do old ladies and Kel-Tec P50 have in common?
- You need to lube their chambers!

NSFW....

Spoiler: show

A nun and a monk are riding on a Camel in the desert for days. Suddenly the Camel falls over and dies.

Both panic but know that they have to accept their deaths. So the nun says to the monk "I know that we will die. So I want to tell you that I always wanted to see a naked man." The monk says "Yeah, that’s also what I always wanted."

So the monk took off his clothes and is butt naked. The nun ask him "What is that between your legs?" The monk answers "It’s a magic wand. When I put it in somewhere, new life emerges."

The nun says "Put it in the Camel, then we can ride on."

A married couple gave birth to a baby."....The baby grew to be 20 months old and said his first word,which was, "Grandma".
An hour later, the Grandma sadly dies."...The married couple thought,it was a coincidence and didn't bat an eye."
Days pass and the child points at their cat and says his second word, which is "Cat". Moments pass and their cat dies."
Now the couple is suspecting that something is wrong with this child."
A few days pass, and the child says his third word, which is "Grandpa". An hour later, the family gets the news that Grandpa passed away, despite being 60 years old and healthy as a horse.
The couple now perplexed, have confirmed that each person's name he utters, means that person dies."
Days pass, and the child now says, "Dad". So now the dad is worried and calls all his family to tell them how much he loves them and then tells his wife.
The next day, Tim the neighbor dies.

A man is sitting next to woman who is trying to nurse her baby on a bus.
The baby refuses to suck,e her breast and the mother warns: "If you don't suck, I will give it to the man next to me."
The baby refuses and after twenty minutes the woman repeats the threat.
The man clears his throat and says: " Look here woman, you better make up your mind; I was supposed to get off this bus six stops ago!"