A BAD DAY ALL AROUND

Entering the Pearly Gates:

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the
pearly gates in Heaven.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she
had just gotten out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy
clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go
and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and
killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack
and died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst..."I was on the
roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled
over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some
idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I
saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but
failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting
room.

Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”
I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this
cedar chest…

Explaining Politics



MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD MY HIM, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."

HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."

HE SAID, "YES."



I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."

BILL GATES SAID, "NO."

I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."

BILL GATES SAID, "OK."



I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.

HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."

HE SAID, "OK."



AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS HERE IN AMERICA.



And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government



The practice is unbroken to this date.

Not very funny!! Sad actually, because it is true!

Num nums!

Subject: Good Story


Finally the true story as told by Hillary
Clinton to world leaders.

"Some years ago nearing dinner time at the White House
our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement
on short notice.

He wasn't the smartest looking guy in fact he seemed a
bit dirty. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of
Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on
such short notice.

"Just before the meal Bill noticed the cook sticking
his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to
the Chief Of Staff but he was assured that many chefs did
that.


"Dinner went Okay although Bill thought that the soup
tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came he started
to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and
worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.

"By now Bill was desperately ill with violent
cramps
and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember
which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of
passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that
opened.

"As he unzipped his trousers and ran in he realized to
his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's
office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about
to pass out this naive girl bent over him and heard the
President whisper in a barely audible voice:

"Sack my cook"

"And that ladies and gentlemen is how the whole
misunderstanding occurred."

Optimist- glass half full
Pessimist- glass half empty
Feminist- glass is being molested

Stealing that one, sending it to a mass email of former co-workers at Boeing. :p

I know this has been posted, but just like a good wine it pairs nicely with the Marine Pic thread:
"A Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform..
I'll give you exactly 15 min."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was busy today, so he sent me.""

My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?














To cover its butt quack.