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It is currently Fri Apr 19, 2024 11:23 am
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JOKE OF THE DAY-POINTS FOR SPIT COFFEE ON YER KEYBOARD STUFF
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WaJim
In Memoriam
Location: Tacoma Wa Joined: Tue Oct 8, 2013 Posts: 16607
Real Name: George Bailey
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A BAD DAY ALL AROUND Entering the Pearly Gates: Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven. The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst..."I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.” I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest…
_________________ "Remove one freedom per generation and soon you will have no freedom and no one would have noticed."......Carl Marx
"Let us Cross the river and sit in the shade of the trees" .....Stonewall Jackson
T. Jefferson "....the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. it is it's natural manure"
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Thu Jul 05, 2018 6:50 am |
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jukk0u
Site Supporter
Location: Lynnwood and at large Joined: Wed May 1, 2013 Posts: 21268
Real Name: Vick Lagina
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_________________ “Finding ‘common ground’ with the thinking of evil men is a fool’s errand” ~ Herschel Smith
"The said Constitution shall never be construed to authorize Congress to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms." ~ Samuel Adams
“A return to First Principles in a Republic is sometimes caused by simple virtues of a single man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example. Before all else, be armed!” ~ Niccolo Machiavelli
Láodòng zhèng zhūwèi zìyóu
FJB
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Sat Jul 07, 2018 5:54 pm |
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jukk0u
Site Supporter
Location: Lynnwood and at large Joined: Wed May 1, 2013 Posts: 21268
Real Name: Vick Lagina
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_________________ “Finding ‘common ground’ with the thinking of evil men is a fool’s errand” ~ Herschel Smith
"The said Constitution shall never be construed to authorize Congress to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms." ~ Samuel Adams
“A return to First Principles in a Republic is sometimes caused by simple virtues of a single man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example. Before all else, be armed!” ~ Niccolo Machiavelli
Láodòng zhèng zhūwèi zìyóu
FJB
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Sun Jul 15, 2018 6:22 am |
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AR15L
Site Supporter
Location: Nampa, Idaho Joined: Thu Mar 17, 2011 Posts: 19463
Real Name: Rick
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Explaining Politics
MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD MY HIM, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS HERE IN AMERICA.
And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government
The practice is unbroken to this date.
_________________ ‘What’s the point of being a citizen if an illegal gets all the benefits’
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Fri Jul 27, 2018 9:57 am |
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Kawasucky
Site Supporter
Location: Bremerton or Xanadu Joined: Wed May 4, 2011 Posts: 973
Real Name: Steve
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AR15L wrote: Explaining Politics
MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD MY HIM, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS HERE IN AMERICA.
And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government
The practice is unbroken to this date. Not very funny!! Sad actually, because it is true!
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Fri Jul 27, 2018 10:52 am |
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cmica
Site Supporter
Location: I-5 /512 Joined: Thu Dec 8, 2011 Posts: 15231
Real Name: chris
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_________________
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Fri Aug 03, 2018 3:48 pm |
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jukk0u
Site Supporter
Location: Lynnwood and at large Joined: Wed May 1, 2013 Posts: 21268
Real Name: Vick Lagina
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Num nums!
_________________ “Finding ‘common ground’ with the thinking of evil men is a fool’s errand” ~ Herschel Smith
"The said Constitution shall never be construed to authorize Congress to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms." ~ Samuel Adams
“A return to First Principles in a Republic is sometimes caused by simple virtues of a single man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example. Before all else, be armed!” ~ Niccolo Machiavelli
Láodòng zhèng zhūwèi zìyóu
FJB
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Fri Aug 03, 2018 4:36 pm |
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AR15L
Site Supporter
Location: Nampa, Idaho Joined: Thu Mar 17, 2011 Posts: 19463
Real Name: Rick
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_________________ ‘What’s the point of being a citizen if an illegal gets all the benefits’
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Sun Sep 02, 2018 9:07 am |
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WaJim
In Memoriam
Location: Tacoma Wa Joined: Tue Oct 8, 2013 Posts: 16607
Real Name: George Bailey
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Subject: Good Story Finally the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders. "Some years ago nearing dinner time at the White House our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn't the smartest looking guy in fact he seemed a bit dirty. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice. "Just before the meal Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff but he was assured that many chefs did that. "Dinner went Okay although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself. "By now Bill was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. "As he unzipped his trousers and ran in he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice: "Sack my cook" "And that ladies and gentlemen is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."
_________________ "Remove one freedom per generation and soon you will have no freedom and no one would have noticed."......Carl Marx
"Let us Cross the river and sit in the shade of the trees" .....Stonewall Jackson
T. Jefferson "....the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. it is it's natural manure"
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Sun Sep 09, 2018 7:04 pm |
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jukk0u
Site Supporter
Location: Lynnwood and at large Joined: Wed May 1, 2013 Posts: 21268
Real Name: Vick Lagina
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Optimist- glass half full Pessimist- glass half empty Feminist- glass is being molested
_________________ “Finding ‘common ground’ with the thinking of evil men is a fool’s errand” ~ Herschel Smith
"The said Constitution shall never be construed to authorize Congress to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms." ~ Samuel Adams
“A return to First Principles in a Republic is sometimes caused by simple virtues of a single man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example. Before all else, be armed!” ~ Niccolo Machiavelli
Láodòng zhèng zhūwèi zìyóu
FJB
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Thu Sep 13, 2018 5:42 pm |
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jukk0u
Site Supporter
Location: Lynnwood and at large Joined: Wed May 1, 2013 Posts: 21268
Real Name: Vick Lagina
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_________________ “Finding ‘common ground’ with the thinking of evil men is a fool’s errand” ~ Herschel Smith
"The said Constitution shall never be construed to authorize Congress to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms." ~ Samuel Adams
“A return to First Principles in a Republic is sometimes caused by simple virtues of a single man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example. Before all else, be armed!” ~ Niccolo Machiavelli
Láodòng zhèng zhūwèi zìyóu
FJB
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Wed Sep 26, 2018 5:33 pm |
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sportsdad60
Site Supporter
Location: The banana belt of MT Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2015 Posts: 8587
Real Name: Brian
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Stealing that one, sending it to a mass email of former co-workers at Boeing. :p
_________________ "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."- Hunter S. Thompson
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Wed Sep 26, 2018 5:45 pm |
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golddigger14s
Site Supporter
Location: Faxon, OK Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2011 Posts: 17818
Real Name: Chuck
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I know this has been posted, but just like a good wine it pairs nicely with the Marine Pic thread: "A Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.. I'll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was busy today, so he sent me.""
_________________ "The beauty of the Second Amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it." Thomas Jefferson "Evil often triumphs, but never conquers." Joseph Roux
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Sat Sep 29, 2018 6:53 am |
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cmica
Site Supporter
Location: I-5 /512 Joined: Thu Dec 8, 2011 Posts: 15231
Real Name: chris
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_________________
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Sun Sep 30, 2018 5:04 pm |
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cmica
Site Supporter
Location: I-5 /512 Joined: Thu Dec 8, 2011 Posts: 15231
Real Name: chris
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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
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Sun Oct 14, 2018 4:44 pm |
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