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A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

My wife sent me this one today:

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To All My Democratic Friends:

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2019, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. This is not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere.
Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference.


To My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

My version is more to the point.

I'm going with Rick's version!

How do you get a nun pregnant?














dress her up as an altar boy.

Well, I guess I'll be in hell right alongside the guy that invented that joke for laughing!

How do you know when it is bed time at the seminary?









When the big hand touches the little hand.

language....

Spoiler: show

You have Democratic friends? WTF?

Went upstairs to talk to my sister and walked in on her masturbating with a carrot (awkward)

Told her: " Dammit, I was going to eat that later, and now it's going to taste like carrots!"

A couple, both age 68, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.