The kamikaze deer almost succeeded on their 3rd attack.

There I was driving down the highway at 65 MPH in my hopped up Saturn Wagun (that's how you spell wagon when it's a souped up model like mine) when the gang of thugs spotted me and made their plans...

They split up so I was surrounded as I approached a narrow corridor, bounded on one side by the mighty river and on the other by a jagged rock cliff.

Yes, it looked dire.

I eased off on the throttle, expecting that with the phenomenal handling of the Wagun that I might be able to thread the needle so to speak... Alas, the big fellow on my left saw my plan and turned, just in time to place the bulk of his body directly, squarely, perfectly centered in front of the hot rod.

I had enough time for these words to vocalize in my head "Here it is" ... A grand crunch, resounding thump and I expected to feel the weight of the whitetail on my chest, on my lap, knowing that after he sacrificed his life in the kamikaze attack by going through the window all of his buddies were coming in after him to get me.

But the thugs were foiled! The graceful and swooping curves of my high-end vehicle were beyond their experience apparently! They don't see such exquisitely designed machinery in these parts due to the slightly economically depressed nature of the job market here.

It took me a few seconds to realize that I wasn't being buffeted by the wind through the broken windshield, nor feeling the normally vegetarian incisors of the whitetail gang upon my tender flesh... The windshield and the car were still intact! I heard buck grunts and yells of anger to my rear as they realized that I had once again escaped their attack!

How did this happen, you might ask... Welpers, the engineers at Saturn apparently took these vicious thugs into account as they designed the graceful curves of the hood and the symmetry with the roof panels. This is as good as I have come up with : The deer placed himself so perfectly centered that as I smacked his legs out from underneath his bulky body he thumped hard on the first 2 feet of the engine hood, then bounced clean over the roof of the Wagun. After I got home I checked, and no hair, no other marks upon the Saturn. Just a slight crunchy mark at the front of the hood. No radiator damage, no broken lights. You can't even really tell that he hit the hood from several meters away. He was a big one too.

I'm working on a deer-guard bumper that incorporates a razor sharp matrix in the shape of the best cuts, along with a wrapping station about "midships" and a deep-freeze compartment at the rear of the Wagun. The biggest challenge that I foresee is shaping the freezer compartment large enough for 2 of them...
These Gangster Thugs never travel alone.

Does anyone know any tried and true methods of warding these gangs off? The deer whistle thingies are a joke. They attract them.

PMB and k7mfer are co-chairs of the WaGuns Writing Department, BTW.

A pickup truck with a big bumper. May not ward them off, but they'll witness the carnage of friends and relatives, and perhaps think twice next time.

Pretenderized venison is yummy.

When at Ocean Shores, we call them 'long legged rats'.

Yes! They do have free rein of that town.

put a wolf head on the front with scent.

Replace the Saturn Emblem on the hood with a full cougar mount. Change the car horn to a recording of said cougar and honk at the first sign of the gang!

Dan- The big bumper idea reduces the damage to the vehicle, but two of the guys I work with who have those are in the process of repairing $2000+ damage (each) for deer strikes even with monster "brush guards"... They put them on specifically for the deer.

So far Chris and Tim have my attention for possible solutions. heh

If I could- I'd "smoke a pack a day" and outfit all my vehicles with wolf carcasses. These wild beasts are incredible predators, great killing machines that show some uncanny intelligence. Several of the folks I work with spend considerable time trying to reduce the wolf population with limited success and quite interesting stories of the intelligence the wolves display.

I'm thinking a James Bond style missile coming out of the headlights ought to do the trick.

Priceless poetry - been there, done that myself but the thug I hit took out my windsheild and left skid marks across my entire vehicle. Thanks for the fine reading this evening.

This ? http://www.amazon.com/Bell-Automotive-2 ... +from+deer

Oh, and slow the EFF down. DERP

This is what you get for moving out to God's country, where they love guns and you can shoot from the kitchen window.

Karma is a bitch, just sayin'.

Glad you are ok. I had something similar happen up in Bellingham on the way to work, lucky a smaller deer jumped over the guardrail and landed smack dab in front of my pontiac. I hit it near dead center and it flung it to the right and it almost hit the car beside me at 70 MPH. It did leave one small mark on the very nose of the car, it made me laugh that the arrow emblem on the front had a tuff of deer hair stuck to it. that did teach me to wear a seat belt as I went for 70 down to 30 in an instant and I ended up in the steering wheel and my knees into the dash. Now I live up Hwy20 and have to deal with Elk herds

Problem with all those huge bumpers that look like giant potato mashers is that they do a real number on the vehicle frame when you hit a deer at any kind of speed.

How about remotely operated shotguns mounted behind the parking light/turn signals. Rather than Slugs or shot, shoot the "Shellcracker" rounds used to scare birds. They fly out about 100 yards and the explosive charge then goes off. Might scare the deer back off the road and be fun at the same time. Might even be fun to use along Rainier Ave. in "the Valley".


http://originalshellcracker.com/

why do they only make cowcatchers for locomotives?

There really is only one solution..

#1 - Go Go Wagun gadget.